I finally saw my grandfather last Friday.  I waited until my sister came from LA so that I wouldn't be alone in my first time seeing him after the accident.  Cowardly, maybe but there really is strength in numbers.

Both my aunts had repeatedly warned me what to expect.  "He's very thin, and weak."  "He sometimes will not recognize you but that's okay."  "He has good days and bad days."  "He is bedridden." etc...  "But be positive and uplifting."

What I saw shocked me despite all the warnings. 

What I saw was not my grandfather.

What I saw was not the strong man who raised me for seven childhood years.

I was so overcome seeing my grandfather that I had to leave his room.  My aunt understood and stayed. And so did my sister.  She's the tough one.  I'm the baby of the family, not literally, but in spirit.  So they leave me lots of room and give me comfort.

I stepped just outside, and couldn't stop crying, weeping for the man that was, and who  would never be again.

In my mind flashed images, memories of what he was, of how he was.


My Grandfather has always been a strong man.  Arrogant and vain but strong.  He was very handsome in his youth (and according to those his age still very good looking that he still gets letters of admiration and crushes from women up to now, strangely.) I used to think it weird when as a child women would say, "You're soandso's granddaughter, tell him I said hi, and that I remember him."  I just thought women were weird, and when I told my grandma she just laughed and teased my grandpa about it.  My grandpa knew all that and it just added to his vanity. I find it amusing that even now, he requires his hair to be meticulously styled and continues to wear designer pajamas as if his admirers would come calling.  He's still such a charmer that the nurses in the hospital loved him.  Despite being 88, my grandpa still has it.  Weird, to me, but it's something he's proud of, even now.

When I was little I used to wonder why grandpa would always work out barechested outside where people could see him and watch him.  In retrospect and objectively speaking, i think he had a fine muscular body.  One that he was proud of and could rival or match that of our Apollo.

He would  have hated to see himself now, atrophied muscles, and weak... so far from what he was.

My grandfather was a WWII pilot and officer.  He survived a forced march and a concentration camp until the Americans came and freed them. 

He loved his planes and helicopters, collecting 3 hangars of them.  I wonder what'll happen now as no one followed in his footsteps and learned to fly.  Part of me regrets that. I should have done that.  Then he would know his beloved birds are still cared for.

Whenever I hear, "Captain." I expect my grandfather to be there, and answer them strongly and surely.  I doubt now he's called by that anymore.  They speak to him in babysoft tones which would have made my grandfather 30 years ago cringe to know.

My grandfather still loves boxing.  Though he doesn't box anymore.  He perked up when we spoke of a match he saw years ago.


That grandfather, strong and proud no longer exists, and I mourn deeply for him because the world is a sadder place.

The man who lies in the bed, neckbrace holding him up is someone else. 

He is my grandfather and I love him.

I was happy to see that my grandfather recognized me without any prompts.  The only one of his large extended family, aside from my grandma who he knew immediately despite not having seen me in 4 years.  His eyes lit up and said my nickname, the nickname only he uses and somehow his arm lightning fast grabbed my arm and held it, pulling me close and not letting go, asking for kisses over and over again.

The next day it happened again, this time as I was hugging him (the only one to do so b/c everyone else hadsaid he was too fragile for that), he wrapped his arms around me, said my nickname and told me that he missed me, that he loved me and again asked for more kisses.

All this astonished my aunts who had told me he was in early alzheimers and really did not remember people unless they have been explained.

They told me I had to continue to visit because my grandfather was more alert with me than anyone.

Strange, my grandfather and I never got along when I was a child.  We were extremely confrontational, me as a tiny 7 year old and him as a big strong man, neither giving way to the other.

Funny and odd what time does.

Alreadly I miss my grandfather.

But I'm glad I came.





 

Bold the things you've done on this list

Stolen from Swimspank who stole it from Littlespank, who apparently stole it from [info]lurkrealclose



1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band or orchestra
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped (i think sky jumping counts right??)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (you cant do it anymore ya know)
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant